the way i've been attempting to heal has been to do allow myself to completely follow my instincts with how i spend my time. i've been telling myself that it's ok not to be producing something every couple of days, it's ok to not be trying to think of a solution for all the world's ills, that it's ok to simply "be" for a while, even if that while is a LOOOOOOOOOOONG while. this is difficult to do at times, as there are many you should be doing something more moments. i have found i need to consciously remind myself i'm in the midst of my year long sabbatical. i am experiencing a choice for something different, and it's not a situation that needs to be rectified. i think part of this is that i've used my productivity as a means of self-definition. this is part of why i stopped blogging for the summer; i was allowing myself to just be "in the moment" (even though i still took alot of pictures) and not be thinking about how i would relate the moment to someone else. as the summer ends and fall begins, i'm feeling cautiously motivated. well, i suppose it would be more accurate to say "ancy". i'm not used to being still, which is not necessarily a good thing; sharpen the saw and all that.... however, on my walk with tessy today, i was reminded of the natural rhythm of things. that's basically what i'm looking for in this year sabatical; my natural rhythm. i've followed an externally applied rhythm for about 15 years or so, and it's become apparent, it wasn't really working for me.

nature, left to it's own devices, produces a lot of beauty. it takes some time, warm days and cool nights, for the leaves to turn such brilliant colors, and it's not a process that can be rushed and the rewards are well worth the wait. however, this does not mean that the process is any less beautiful itself. i realized i was taking what i wanted as the end result, and using it as a compass for the process/journey.

the journey/process, as stated in many old sayings and cliches, is crucial to the overall result. this is something i know, if only because of hearing those sayings and cliches over the period of time that is my life. i realized i was taking what i wanted as the end result, and using it as a compass for the process/journey. this is not the natural order of things. nature doesn't start with the end, in that it seems not to even have a start or an end. nature just is...

tessy, especially on our walks, is a great reminder during boughts of tumultuous thought, that going through the process, taking the natural time and rhythm, may be a soothing balm in itself. she just is in the moment, experiences it, then moves on. the more i go out with her, and experience her, the more perfect she seems to me. it's the kind of natural perfection that just seems to make sense. she chases the squirrels. she wants to be off-road, off-leash. she's shy of other dogs. she wants all people to want to give her belly rubs. she wants to get through those windows to get those squirrels really badly and doesn't understand why i won't let her. she growls when she hears people on the street outside at night. she won't poo in the yard. she wants to have more food all the time. she wants in your lap, especially when it's night. she doesn't know how she feels about cats....and her tail wags an aweful lot.....the burn-out took away my tail wagging...in fact, i was a little kid the last time i had natural tail wagging....i think it's worth a year of uncertainty to get back to the place where i've got that tail wagging going on....